


I Warned You About Climacophilia, Dog

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Body Worship, Climacophilia, Clown Shenanigans, Cunnilingus, Decadence, Dirty Jokes, F/M, Face-Sitting, Gamzee Makara Talking, Lactation Kink, Masochism, Sadism, Sex, Slapstick, Stair Kink, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, The Worst Slang Terms For Sex and Related Parts I Could Think Of, also nicknames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22901368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Gamzee and Jane have a night in. Read those motherfucking tags!
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Gamzee Makara
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	I Warned You About Climacophilia, Dog

**Author's Note:**

  * For [romulusgloriosus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/romulusgloriosus/gifts).



> Surprise, bitch. I’d like to say I didn’t want to do this, but let’s not add lying to my sins. Anyway, everybody get ready for THIS fucking guy, I guess.
> 
> Informal sequel to [The Neden Game](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22331353) and intentionally gross/uncomfortable. A bit of time has passed and Jane now thinks of Jake as her kismesis and Gamzee in a more positive light, who knows what label he comes under. Probably "clown". 
> 
> I can't believe how much I sincerely tried to get the voices accurate. I didn't start these fics shipping these two, but I think that's where I've landed. As my lovely giftee pointed out, no one starts saying "yeet" sincerely, and yet ...

Jake’s away, filming something or other. Tavros is staying at his grandfather’s tonight because the nanny inconveniently has some funeral to attend while Jake’s out of town. So Jane gave the rest of the staff the night off to spend some _proper_ alone time with Gamzee. It’s not like they hold back out of some misplaced notion of decency, not in their own home (or anywhere else). But it’s nice to have the privacy.

Jane has grown fond of her clown. It’s a by-product of so much time together and this strange feeling she gets sometimes like everyone else is fake. She can’t think that about Gamzee. Her imagination just isn’t that good.

Jane sinks down into the bath, leaning back into Gamzee’s bony chest. His arms encircle her and she closes her eyes. The water is hot and Gamzee had to get in first to warm his usually frigid skin to an acceptable temperature. It’s enough to make Jane sleepy and comfortable. 

Gamzee starts to clean her with endearing clumsiness, his claws turned into the washcloth and his knuckles occasionally bumping into her. He spends more time than necessary on her breasts and is very thorough everywhere else. Jane doesn’t open her eyes, only moving when Gamzee guides her so he can reach where he needs.

He prompts out of the bath when the water starts to cool, and she stands on the bathmat as he dries her, then applies talcum powder to her. His hair drips down his back as he focuses on his worship. It occurs on his knees, which feels right. 

Jane doesn’t wear excessive jewelry in public; it wouldn’t do to make a display of her wealth. But she’s been given a lot over the years, from companies trying to gain her advantages or suitors, also wanting her advantages. And when she’s quite sure she’s alone, she lets Gamzee put it on her. Once, she let him paint her first, a rainbow of colours cutting violent shapes across her, and he looked at her with such adoration that she knew she needed to reserve that for a special treat. 

She sits in a chair that’s just a whisper away from being a throne and holds her leg out so that Gamzee can slide the platinum garter on. Even though she was a Prospit dreamer, the silvery colour suits her better and she’s made sure that her preference is clear for the benefit of her gift-givers’ confidence. It doesn’t hurt that it’s significantly more expensive.

When Gamzee finishes, Jane is weighed down with the excess. He holds his hand out to help her out of her seat and as she rises delicate chains fall down her skin like sheets of water. She glitters with gemstones and diamonds. No clothing detracts from the contrast of hard wealth on her soft skin. The heels she wears are much higher than her usual practical ones, and they make her legs look exceptional and create dimples in her butt that she personally thinks are a cute and underrated feature of hers.

Gamzee pulls her from the room and Jane lets him, because he’s really done quite well. She sighs indulgently when they get to the entryway staircase. With him slouching and her heels, she can reach to kiss him on his nose, which makes him honk quietly.

And then she pushes him with all her strength, down the stairs.

It’s a strange perversion, she thinks as she watches him fall, honking comically on each stair. Not hers, though she doesn’t mind participating at all. She’d just never heard of it, and she used to have two best friends with a hobby for sending her unusual kinks they found on the Internet. She’s _tried_ to find this through her own searching. There’s only results about how it’s a strange thing to like, not from people who like it. Dirk would have seen that as a challenge.

Gamzee … well, she’s not sure where he got this from. She hasn’t _asked,_ that would put her in the awkward position of having to listen to him describe it. Instead she watches and does her part. She doesn’t understand it, but she’s always had a healthy curiosity and maybe she’ll figure it out one of these days.

He flips 180° on every bounce until he reaches the halfway platform of the stairwell, alternating feet to head. He lands in a crumpled spread face down and weakly turns onto his side. His lip is split and purple blood dribbles onto the spotless marble. Jane sighs, but the next part is messier anyway.

She slowly descends, her jewelry clinking gently and her thighs tight from the effort of navigating stairs in such high heels. She cheats, just a little, taking most of the weight off her feet with her power of flight, but not all; it’s essential that she doesn’t lose the powerful sound of her heels on the marble steps. 

At the platform she gracefully crouches next to Gamzee. He looks blearily up at her, assisted by her hand on his chin.

JANE: Do you have one more in there for me?  
GAMZEE: HoNk. :o/  
JANE: I’m going to need a proper answer.  
GAMZEE: I nEeD iT, pInEaPpLe ChUnK.  
JANE: I know you do.

She rises. He’s between her and the next flight of stairs, looking up at her reverently. She wonders if it means anything that she goes along with this. She doesn’t mind her role in it. Did she think that earlier? She doesn’t _like_ it of course. She’s not sadistic. She just wants him to feel good and this makes him feel so very good. 

She kicks him in his skinny ribs and he flies from her foot as if attached to the wires actors use. She is strong, but Gamzee’s also just like this. 

This time, he rolls down the stairs sideways, his arms and legs flailing like in that movie about the silly stuntman she watched with Jake a million years ago. Well, to be fair, she’s seen this gag across many movies, many times before. The honks improve it. He lands on his back and hugs his arms to his chest, wheezing brokenly.

She flies down the stairs this time. She lands with one heel on either side of his armpits.

GAMZEE: GiVe It To Me MaMa.  
GAMZEE: I gOtS a NeEeEeEd.

Jane acquiesces, kneeling smoothly over the top of his face. His nose is crooked, but whether it’s broken or not now, it probably won’t be next time she sees him. Gamzee doesn’t like to be consistent, and it’s an attribute that has sunk all the way down to his bones.

GAMZEE: I'm AlL aBoUt YoUr LaBiAl FoLdS, dOg. :o)  
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkInG bEaUtIfUl, LiKe An OvErFiLlEd SaNdWiCh, YoU dIg?  
JANE: You’ve mentioned it once or twice.  
GAMZEE: My MoSt SaUcY wEnCh, I bE aLl Up AnD dIsReSpEcTiNg YoU iF i DoN't SaY iT eVeRy. MoThErFuCkInG. dAy.  
GAMZEE: A nInJa CoUlD uP aNd WrItE pOeTrY fOr YoUr LaDy-PoCkEt, WeRe He GiVeN iLl EnOuGh BeAtS. ;o)  
JANE: Jake’s not here, Gamzee.  
JANE: I can’t make him beatbox for you.  
Gamzee honks sadly, shaking his head. He reaches up and between Jane’s legs so he can thumb over her idly as he laments their lack of backing track. Jane leans into his touch. 

GAMZEE: SoMeTiMeS a MoThErFuCkEr JuSt WaNtS tO jAm On ThE sUbJeCt Of HiS lAdY's FuR bUrGeR.  
GAMZEE: BuT iF a MoThErFuCkEr CaN't Up AnD sEt It To SoMe BoOtS aNd CaTs, WhAt EvEn CaN a MoThErFuCkEr Up AnD dO?  
GAMZEE: wHaT eVeN cAn A mOtHeRfUcKeR uP aNd Do?  
GAMZEE: ScHmOoOoKy PoOkIe PoOo, AlL i WaNt Is To Be AbLe To PuLl ApArT tHe MeAt CuRtAiNs Of YoUr *SoUl*.  
JANE: What do I have to do to make you stop talking?  
JANE: I already pushed you down the stairs!  
GAMZEE: YoU bE mY mAiN sQuEeZe, BuMpEr BuTt. YoU lEt Me MuNcH tHe BeArDeD cLaM aNd My MoUtH nOiSeS bE ... mUfFlEd. ;o)

Jane takes that as all the invitation she needs to sit firmly atop Gamzee’s face. He anticipates this, and moves quick enough to make her land on his nose. She doesn’t hate it. It’s not an uncommon move on his part.

JANE: Sometimes I think I can tune it out.  
JANE: My vocabulary is endlessly expanded because of my partners. Hoo hoo hoo!

Jane grinds against Gamzee’s mouth as she talks, not really caring that his ears are cushioned by her thighs. If she wanted people to respond to her thoughts, she’d … well, she’d probably go crazy. There’s just no chance of it happening here!

JANE: I’ve always been somewhat of a detective.  
JANE: But when a gentleman goes to such lengths as to be incomprehensible, my roll is buttered!  
JANE: That is, if either of you could make any call for the title of gentlemen.  
JANE: Well, such is life, apparently!  
JANE: Who am I to complain when there are faces to be ridden!

Gamzee makes a garbled noise against Jane’s vagina, but she doesn’t care to hear his thoughts on her pragmatic optimism at present. Instead she calmly rocks herself against his tongue until she either orgasms or gives up, it’s not particularly clear.

She climbs off his face and sits next to him.

GAMZEE: YoU'rE mY cHuNkY mOnKeY, bOo.  
JANE: Gamzee, does this life ever seem strange to you?  
GAMZEE: Fo ShO, sWeEt ThAnG. fO sHo Fo ShO.  
JANE: Really?  
GAMZEE: EvErYwHeRe I lOoK, mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS.  
GAMZEE: BaBe, YoU wOuLdN't EvEn BeLiEvE tHe ShIt I'vE sEeN.  
GAMZEE: YoU eVeR tHiNk AbOuT hOw, To A bArKbEaSt, BaRkBeAsT fOoD jUsT bE *fOoD*?  
GAMZEE: HaHa FuCkIn WiLd Am I rIgHt?  
JANE: I hadn’t thought that, but you are right.

Jane lies on the floor next to Gamzee and holds his hand. Her jewelry tinkles as she moves and is kind of digging into her now, but it’s okay. She can manage a bit of discomfort for a bit of affection.

JANE: Tell me a joke, clown.

Now when she calls him a clown it doesn’t sound like an insult. He _is_ a clown. He’s hers. No one else gets the title because no one else makes her actions feel like they have consequence.

GAMZEE: WhAt DoEs OnE sAgGy BoOb Up AnD sAy To ThE oThEr SaGgY bOoB?  
JANE: I don’t know.  
GAMZEE: If We DoN’t GeT sOmE sUpPoRt In ThIs BiZnAsTy, PeOpLe WiLl ThInK wE’rE jIzZ bErRy SaCkS.  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo!  
JANE: Another.  
GAMZEE: Aw, PuDdIn HeAd, YoU bE sWeEt At A jEsTeR.  
JANE: I know, tell me another joke.  
GAMZEE: WhAt Do YoU cAlL tHe UsElEsS pIeCe Of SkIn On A cUsTaRd LaUnChEr?  
JANE: I have to assume foreskin, but that’s not really a joke.  
GAMZEE: NaH tUm-TuMs, ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR wHaT lAuNcHeS tHe CuStArD.  
JANE: Hoo hoo!  
GAMZEE: If I uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn EnTeRtAiN yOu, WiLl A rUbBeR dUcKy LeT mE pUt My MeAt TrUnChEoN iN hEr CoOcHiE?  
JANE: Yeah, why not?  
JANE: One last joke.  
GAMZEE: WhY dId ThE mEsSiAhS gIvE nInJaS tHeIr SkIn-FlUtEs?  
JANE: I don’t know, why do men have dicks?  
GAMZEE: So ThEy’D hAvE aT lEaSt OnE wAy To ShUt A bItCh Up.  
JANE: That one was a little bit tasteless, Gamzee.  
GAMZEE: Aw MaNg, I'm JuSt A dIrTy, DiRtY cLoWn. I aIn'T uP tO bE gIvIn YoU tHe PrEtTy WoRdS yOu Up AnD dEsErVe.  
JANE: True.   
JANE: Okay, stick it in me.

Gamzee makes a jubilant noise and rolls over so he’s on top of Jane. He lets his full weight lie on her, making no effort to hold himself up. He’s skinny enough and Jane’s strong enough that this doesn’t faze her. She twirls one of his still damp curls around her finger as he aims his penis inside her.

JANE: Honk, hoo hoo!  
GAMZEE: It Is A mArK oF hOw MuCh I uP aNd GoT rEdEeMeD tHaT i GoT a CuNtAlOo WhAt HoNkS bAcK. mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs. :o)  
JANE: Would it be funny if I honked every time you thrust?  
GAMZEE: MoO-mOo, ThAt WoUlD uP aNd Be ThE fUnNiEsT jOkE wHaT eVeR gOt HoNkEd.

Jane is in agreement with this assessment. It’s a remarkably easy joke to participate in; she practically honks instead of crying out during sex now. Jake’s clearly not a fan, but he doesn’t ever mention it. When they started, Jane used to push him to see at what point he’d bring up her behaviour. She doesn’t expect it anymore, but she supposes she’s gotten used to their relationship dynamic. And she hates him. Thank goodness for the silly troll romance system to make that all okay!

Gamzee boinks her very thoroughly, the honking seeming to urge him into a more regular rhythm than usual. Eventually she can’t honk anymore, the pleasure she gets from his doddling overwhelming her coherency. 

Her screams echo through the cavernous entry room as he fucks her to climax. He honks, voice breaking and wobbling as he draws the noise out. He buries her face in her tits and thoroughly motorboats them.

JANE: Yes, baby can have his num-nums.  
GAMZEE: CuTeNeSs YoU bE tHe SpArKlE-sUnS tO mY nIgHt.

Gamzee tends to come up with genuinely sweet sentiments when she allows him to suck milk from her breasts. Perhaps that’s why she does it. He applies himself with gusto and she strokes his horns. There’s tiny ridges on them, which feel nice on her palm.

Eventually, Jane slaps Gamzee on the cheek to make him stop so that she can stop lying on priceless jewelry and unforgivingly hard marble. He carries her bridal style to their bedroom, resuming feeding when he has her in his arms. There’s not a single sign that she pushed him down the stairs anymore.

JANE: Do you like the stair thing because you heal so fast from it?  
GAMZEE: NaH pOoKiMs, It GoEs LiKe ThIs—  
JANE: No!  
JANE: Don’t steal the miracle with knowledge, sweetness.  
GAMZEE: NeVeR!

He places her gently on the mattress and starts the process of unhooking her various jewelry.

JANE: Tell me some more miracles.  
GAMZEE: Do YoU tHiNk ThAt To A sOcK wHaT nOt Be On A bItCh'S tOeHoLdEr, ThAt ThIs MaNsIoN lIkE tO bE a BiG sHoE?  
JANE: Probably.  
GAMZEE: YeAh.   
GAMZEE: I sAw A fLaPpYbUg On ThE rEcEnT aNd MoMmY rOxY uP aNd ToLd Me It WaS mAdE oF bUtTeR. hOw FuCkInG wAcK?  
JANE: They’re just called—  
JANE: Never mind.

Gamzee finishes removing the last necklace and throws it carelessly on the floor, clearly over his servitude for the day. He climbs into bed and cuddles up close.

JANE: When did I stop hating you?  
GAMZEE: PrObS wHeN yOu GoT yOuR hAtE oN fOr YoUr KiSmEsIs. A tRoLl AiN't SuPpOsEd To HaVe MoRe ThAn OnE.  
JANE: I’m not a troll.  
GAMZEE: CuDdLy-WuDdLy, YoU'rE tHe BeSt TrOlL i EvEr GoT tHe ApPuRtEnAnCe To MeEt.  
JANE: I suppose you think that’s a compliment.   
JANE: I feel very human.  
JANE: I feel very *lonely*.  
GAMZEE: ThIs Be ThE wEiGhT oF rUlInG, kItTy-KiTtY.  
JANE: Yes.  
JANE: And someone has to do that.   
JANE: It would be irresponsible, given our privilege, to let the fools on this planet stumble around in the dark with no guidance.  
GAMZEE: I wOuLdN't FiNd ThAt A vErY gOoD jOkE.  
JANE: No, me either.

Jane knows that she should practice the speech she has to deliver tomorrow. But it’s hard to care what the paper people will think when every speech she makes is met with such enthusiasm that she thinks she’s seen members of the crowd be removed for having too much joy in her words. And isn’t she entitled to one night off? She does work very hard.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Incredible Thoughts - The Lonely Island for Gamzee's miracles and Thought Catalogue's truly horrendous lists of slang terms for vaginas. Tell me off on Twitter if you like @Laurasauras1.


End file.
